Hello dear readers! As usual I feel I must apologize for my hiatus. Much has happened and you simply must be apprised of all of it.
The Boyfriend Situation:
So I gave him 5 weeks of space. So the first weekend in April, I needed to go back to get some necessary items and receive some packages so we thought it would be a good opportunity to test the waters. We had a wonderful time in all senses of the word, it was just like we were back together. But on sunday when it was time for me to pack up and take off we had to have a talk about where we go from here. For me it was being able to have the best of what we had in a weekend. For him it was just a reassurance that he wasn't ready to be more than friends with me. He said an uneasiness crept over him and he knew that it wasn't right being with me because he didn't feel what he was supposed to feel. He cognitively understands that he loves me but does not feel that he loves me. Because he reasons all of his emotions instead of feeling them so that he can avoid feeling things he can't control like pain and rejection. (See, Broken Childhood)
This is all beyond frustrating and heartbreaking. Since "The Weekend" I've barely been able to hold myself together. Everything makes me cry (including cat food commercials), and I can't even bring myself to go and socialize. I feel like people are avoiding me because I'm such a sad sack. I even went camping with my parents this last weekend to get away from the phone and internet that I constantly use to make contact with him. When I do, I pathetically beg him to tell me he loves me still and that he is sorry we can't be together and that he hopes we can be together again in the future. All of which is true I'm not asking him to lie, I just need to hear it once every 6 hours and grieve the tragedy of it. I'm such a mess, and I'm acting like he died or something when both of us think there is real possibility that down the road we will be back together. I'm just having a hard time letting go.
I bought a scale at a yard sale for $3.00. It's a nice weight watchers digital scale and I believe it to be accurate. And what do I do after I verify it's accuracy? Weigh myself 3 times a day for two weeks; it's absolutely a compulsion. However I have learned a great deal about my body and how, why and what makes my weight fluctuate. Which helps make me more rational about the numbers. I no longer think about my weight as a single number but a range of numbers throughout the day. 5 lbs is not something to get excited about. I also think I need to get more serious about my fiber intake and digestive regularity.
I've been reading this book to help me realize some things about me that I've been in denial about. It's called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Two pages into the preface and it's like she was talking directly to me about every relationship I've ever had. Let me know if any of you have read it or have an opinion on it. I'm only half way through and haven't gotten to the section about recovery yet, I'm just hoping she doesn't say I need Jesus or some other impossible shit. I would be really dissapointed.
Career/Work:
After coming back from, "The Weekend" I decided to go back to the school district even though they really burned me. I need to make money and getting onto the sub list for clerical/ paraeducator list is the fastest most assured way to do it. Today was my first day, and I got two calls right away. Being busy for a big chunk of the day helped me to not think about Matt.
I got an E-mail from a former classmate asking me if I'd be interested in freelancing (in San Francisco) at Levi's where she works. I told her I'd love to and that we should chat about it sunday evening. We talked for over an hour and a half and in that conversation so many old feelings opened up. Feeling burned over past failures in trying to work in fashion, realizing maybe I don't want to work in corporate fashion, and really just wanting to get to LA. So tons of confusion and mixed feelings on that front.
Crafts:
Here is the only thing I've made since I got here, well outside of some simple alterations and repairs. Hopefully that will change soon. I want to get working on actually making dresses and bags out of all my vintage sheets I've been collecting. It's time.
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