Fabricated

April 18th: Still wearing black.

Hello dear readers!  As usual I feel I must apologize for my hiatus.  Much has happened and you simply must be apprised of all of it.

 

The Boyfriend Situation:

So I gave him 5 weeks of space.  So the first weekend in April, I needed to go back to get some necessary items and receive some packages so we thought it would be a good opportunity to test the waters.  We had a wonderful time in all senses of the word, it was just like we were back together.  But on sunday when it was time for me to pack up and take off we had to have a talk about where we go from here.  For me it was being able to have the best of what we had in a weekend.  For him it was just a reassurance that he wasn't ready to be more than friends with me.  He said an uneasiness crept over him and he knew that it wasn't right being with me because he didn't feel what he was supposed to feel.  He cognitively understands that he loves me but does not feel that he loves me.  Because he reasons all of his emotions instead of feeling them so that he can avoid feeling things he can't control like pain and rejection. (See, Broken Childhood) 

This is all beyond frustrating and heartbreaking.  Since "The Weekend" I've barely been able to hold myself together.  Everything makes me cry (including cat food commercials), and I can't even bring myself to go and socialize.  I feel like people are avoiding me because I'm such a sad sack.  I even went camping with my parents this last weekend to get away from the phone and internet that I constantly use to make contact with him.  When I do, I pathetically beg him to tell me he loves me still and that he is sorry we can't be together and that he hopes we can be together again in the future.  All of which is true I'm not asking him to lie, I just need to hear it once every 6 hours and grieve the tragedy of it.  I'm such a mess, and I'm acting like he died or something when both of us think there is real possibility that down the road we will be back together.  I'm just having a hard time letting go. 

My Health:

 I bought a scale at a yard sale for $3.00.  It's a nice weight watchers digital scale and I believe it to be accurate.  And what do I do after I verify it's accuracy?  Weigh myself 3 times a day for two weeks; it's absolutely a compulsion.  However I have learned a great deal about my body and how, why and what makes my weight fluctuate.  Which helps make me more rational about the numbers. I no longer think about my weight as a single number but a range of numbers throughout the day.  5 lbs is not something to get excited about.  I also think I need to get more serious about my fiber intake and digestive regularity.

I've been reading this book to help me realize some things about me that I've been in denial  about.  It's called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.  Two pages into the preface and it's like she was talking directly to me about every relationship I've ever had.  Let me know if any of you have read it or have an opinion on it.  I'm only half way through and haven't gotten to the section about recovery yet, I'm just hoping she doesn't say I need Jesus or some other impossible shit. I would be really dissapointed.

Career/Work:

After coming back from, "The Weekend" I decided to go back to the school district even though they really burned me.  I need to make money and getting onto the sub list for clerical/ paraeducator list is the fastest most assured way to do it.  Today was my first day, and I got two calls right away.  Being busy for a big chunk of the day helped me to not think about Matt.

I got an E-mail from a former classmate asking me if I'd be interested in freelancing (in San Francisco) at Levi's where she works. I told her I'd love to and that we should chat about it sunday evening.  We talked for over an hour and a half and in that conversation so many old feelings opened up.  Feeling burned over past failures in trying to work in fashion, realizing maybe I don't want to work in corporate fashion, and really just wanting to get to LA.  So tons of confusion and mixed feelings on that front.

Crafts:

Here is the only thing I've made since I got here, well outside of some simple alterations and repairs.  Hopefully that will change soon.  I want to get working on actually making dresses and bags out of all my vintage sheets I've been collecting.  It's time.

March 15th: Beware the Ides of March

    Sorry I haven't checked in since my surgery!  I hope you weren't too worried.  I have made a full recovery and most everything has begun to get back to normal.  My current weight is 240, still.  I've obviously hit a plateau but I'm going to work through it the best I can.

I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis with my relationship right now.  I finally got the BF to go to counseling and he is trying to work through some really difficult issues concerning his past and relationships in the past that have hurt him making it hard for him to be in relationships now as an adult.  As much as our relationship IS NOT the problem (it's just a catalyst for issues) it's hard for me to really think that this doesn't affect our relationship in some way.  Needless to say he is really emotionally confused right now; he doesn't know how he feels about anything, including me.  So he asked for a break from me because he just can't seem to sort out his feeling while being in a relationship.

So I packed up the essentials and went to stay with my parents for an undetermined amount of time.

I'm really trying to be understanding about this situation and his emotional distress but it's difficult not to feel like I got the raw end of this deal.  I do feel hurt and rejected and I do feel like he doesn't appreciate all the good things I bring into his life and most of all I feel like he doesn't need me and that I'm useless to him. 

The good news (if you want to call it that) is that we are still talking and we both still love each other, he just doesn't know what that means for him and his life right now.

In the interim I am jamming my calendar with people who love and care about me and want me in their life and appreciate my many talents and skills.

Here is a list of projects and things I'm involving myself in to mask the pain:

• Alterations and garment reconstruction on commission.
• Painting and redecorating the guest room I'm staying in at my parent's house.
• Making a skirt from polka-dot lace for myself.
• Trying to keep the house clean and cooking healthy food for my family.
• Several crochet projects.
• Planning a baby shower (which I need help with, I have no idea what I'm doing!
• Volunteering with high school students helping them conceptualize designs and create garments for "Project Goodwill" where they create 3 themed looks from donation items to compete for a scholarship prize for their group. This is basically my specialty, making cool stuff from weird crap!

So yeah, sorry for all the sad sack stuff but that's what's going on.

 

 

 

February 4th: in which I get cut on.

My surgery is in 2 hours. I'm in the prep room wearing nothing but a smile.

January 28th: a picture post

I finshed the first of my quilted pillows.  I want to finish all three before my surgery next friday.  I think I can.

 
 

January 18th: In which some resolution comes to the new year

So the fight continued into the next day, but it consisted of mostly silence and awkward glances.  We finally got back into a dialog and found ourselves at stand still.  Matt is somehow convinced that what I am demanding is marriage, immediately and on the spot.  This of course renders him like a cat on a ceiling, clinging for dear life, not listening to anything I'm saying.  So I clarify my position, that I would never want to force him into marriage, ever.  What I want is for him to want to be in that kind of relationship with me.  I want him to have no issue saying that he wants to be with me and having the trust and security to back it up.  I know he loves me enough, the amount of love isn't the issue.  The issue is not knowing how to be in a relationship. 

So I make my suggestion again for the billionth time, "please go to therapy, while you have time and insurance".  He concedes and promises to get started with someone on campus Tuesday.  He followed through and starts sessions next month.  I too would like to get into something like couples counseling, it's really hard to tell where his issues end and mine begin. 

I went to my surgical consult today and met the doctor who will be doing the procedure.  He seemed nice and thorough and down to earth.  I don't know what to look for in a surgeon really, but he didn't seem deficient in any manner.  So I'm scheduled for Friday, February 4th at 5 am.  I'm totally nervous about the anesthesia.  I'm always afraid I'll either not have enough and be concious yet immobilized or be given to much and suffocate.  At this point I'm just hoping for vallium to calm me down. 

I got some good news while I was there; I lost 6 more pounds!  I'm now down to 240, which is still 80lbs from my goal weight, but for 3 months of dieting and not exercising and being sick and on pain pills, it's not bad.  This is the best diet I've ever been on, when I slip up and eat something I'm not supposed to I'm in excruciating pain untill the pills kick in then I'm knocked out!  I'm laughing now, but it's been pretty rough.

I made this today.  It's a "Log Cabin" quilt block, made from my collection of fine vintage bed linens.  I'm afraid all the florals are too busy and it's more of a "Convoluted Cabin" than that of logs.

kind of a crappy photo, but I'll post more of the process photos tomorrow.

January 15th: like "Waitress" only with crafts.

So we had the marriage fight again today...

What is it that makes me so insecure?  And what makes him so sure true love and life long commitment aren't real and that marriage never works?  Whatever it is, I wish it would die in a fire so I can have a happy partnership to build my life around.  I'm at an age now where I want some foundations, and need my relationship with him to be my main support system.  I might not always be near friends and family, I need to know that when I come home I can rely on him to always be there and supporting me no matter what.  How do I know that's what I can expect if he doesn't get up in front of all our friends and family and vow to do so for the rest of our lives?  For some reason that's what I think I need to feel secure in my relationship.  I know I'm crazy.

Any who, after our discussion turned into uncomfortable silence I retreated to my craft room and he to Azeroth.  I made this, and I'm calling it my "why isn't our love strong enough to change your ideas about marriage" scarf.  Ironically it's made from yarn I found too beautiful to make anything out of for fear that committing to one design would leave me with knitters regret.

 

You guys get to see this one that facebook didn't get to see because my blog readers know me so much better than my FB friends I know you wont judge me for having puffy, cried out eyes or a dirty bathroom mirror.

much love blog friends!

January 14th: In which I try to update

I think I've started this entry 3 times since I got back to Cheney on the 7th. 

Family/Friends:  So I did go home for x-mas, and my family behaved wonderfully and I had a genuinely good time, totally a festivus miracle!  My sister's boyfriend is very nice and good to the kids, not as awkward as I thought with him being there.  I got to spend time with good friends and I got to know some people I never really talked to in high school but who are really cool and tons of fun to hang out with.  I'm talkin' diva style karaoke at the only gay club in town, and they had prizes.  We also played the Michael Jackson Experience game for Wii, INCREDIBLE, it needs to become my work out routine.  They dances you have to do are exactly like the ones from the music videos, so much fun remembering how MJ was the king of pop.  "Do you remember the tiiiiiiiime, when we fell in love?"

Crafting:  The rest of the stuff I made for x-mas either didn't get photographed or didn't photograph very well so I'll leave it up to your imagination.  It was all wonderful and everyone loved it, the end.  And once again I vow to start earlier this year!  Now I'm just trying to get back into making again.  I'm currently obsessed with recycling old sweaters into new cute felted things.

Regarding my health:  I actually stepped on a scale at a friend's house during x-mas break and was shocked to see my progress.  So my official count is -39lbs, which is so much more that I was estimating.  I was going by measurements and clothes that fit.  I'm almost 2 sizes smaller top and bottom.  Pants I'm back into a 20 and tops I'm comfy in a 2x but have new 1x tops that fit snugly.  So I'm pretty much back down to the size I was Junior year of college.  I'm very happy with the loss and feel even more motivated to keep up my diet.

Regarding my health #2: Remember how I was on a waiting list for a pro-bono surgery through a charity organization?  Well i finally got a call yesterday and they are getting me into a surgery consult on tuesday.  From there I'll schedule the procedure and it will all be done for free.  It's a freaking miracle and I am so thankful.  I feel like I need to do something in return, but what and to whom, to the doctor, to the ladies who run the program?  I qualified for the program because I literally can't afford to give anything in return.  Well, hand stamped thank-you notes to both offices for sure.  I guess this is one of those things that I will pay forward in the future, I can't wait till I'm doing well enough to be as generous with other as they have been with me. 

On the Job Front: Still applying to 3 jobs a week just like ESD (Employment Security Department) wants me to.  I rarely find one job a week I'm actually interested in/qualified to do.  However when I got back from vacation I was introduced to an amazing fiber/yarn/spinning/weaving stuff store, by Mama Hughes of course, and was immediately smitten and asked to speak to a manager.  Luckily they were all out til this week so I had time to prepare and rustle up the cajones to insist one them hiring me.  So I went in today to introduce myself and propose that I work there, well, because I'm perfect for it.  To my surprise she said, "well, what do you want to do?" and I said, "anything".  I e-mailed her my resume and a solid cover letter and will call her next week if i don't hear from her first.  I'm ready to offer my first two weeks for free, like a free trial offer just to get in there and let them fall in love with me.  I am pretty wonderful after all.  So here is to me getting my foot in the door and actually working at a place I'd enjoy.

I think that's it for now, comments are appreciated, I miss my vox neighbors we were all so good about getting a good dialog going!

December 21st: In which I'm too busy to blog

So busy and too tired now to blog anything of significance.  Also the things I completed today are for people who I think read this blog, or could stumble upon it before Friday. 

More family drama today, I still don't want to stay with them but I've resigned to stay for the weekend for the kiddos sake.  Which means I need to get mom, something.  Ugh.

I also need to get ahead on my unemployment crap.  I'll have to do job searches while I'm out of town.  Double ugh!

Good news, I accomplished enough today that I should be able to complete everything on time.

I burned myself really bad on the inside of the oven.  The blisters are cracked open and oozing.  I need to learn first aid or something, I get hurt way too often not to know how to take care of myself.

I hope you all are having an enjoyable or at least bearable holiday week.  Much love to you.

December 20th: Solstice, let the darkest days be behind us.

For me Winter Solstice means the days will start getting longer and my S.A.D. will start fading from my life.  It also means that the holidays are here and panic sets in.  I'm almost done with my crafting, and I have to figure out what to get for 2 more people one of which is my mother. 

I have no idea what to get her, nothing I ever do for her is good enough and she always lets us know in her own passive aggressive little way that what we got her for christmas wasn't what she wanted.  Not that she tells us what she wants, she expects us to be mind readers, or when she does tell us it's something we can't afford, or it's in some other way not possible for us to fulfill.  To be honest I don't want to get her anything, and I don't want her to give me anything.  Mostly because she is the worst gift giver in the world.  I can't tell if she gets us crap to get back at us for not being good enough at giving her gifts or if she can't think far enough outside herself to know who we are or what we'd like, or if she honestly thinks we'd like the useless, cheap, crap she gets us.  But besides that, I don't want anything from her, I don't want to stay in her house, I don't want to eat her food, I don't want any obligation to her.

I didn't get enough accomplished today as far as crafting goes, lots of snafus and setbacks.  Tomorrow is going to be a whirlwind, but hey that's how I do things.

I totally missed the fucking lunar eclipse, too many clouds and it started snowing.  I saw the videos online, and it looked so cool.  I'm bummed I couldn't see in real life.

In other disappointing news my interview today was a good one but I just wasn't a match for the current job they were looking to fill.  The good part is that this place is a staffing agency and they like to keep a pool of applicants around.  *goodbadmeh?*

Time for bed, lots to do tomorrow.

December 19th: Sewing, sewing and more sewing! Oh and some complaining too.

Phew!  That took forever!  not really, it was like 10 hours but you know how it feels being hunched over something you constantly have to troubleshoot, it just seems like an eternity.  I still have some more sewing to do, doll dress and 5 more pairs of fleece socks, but I'd like to take a break and do some more knitting just to break it up.  Here is what I've done so far.

For my nephew, a hat, a pair of socks a scarf and a blanket all made of monster fleece.

For my niece a princess house coat (full skirt + puffy sleeves = princess, in the life of a 4 year old) and matching slipper socks.

 

Matt has been playing warcraft all day long, literally since he got up.  It's his vacation I'm not going to judge him on how he spends it.  He worked hard, 4.0 GPA in grad school hard, he can do whatever he wants.  I just think he misses me and is kinda sad that I'm locked up in the craft room all day.  <<< LOL, I wrote this an hour ago what a huge misreading of that situation!!  Turns out he's grumpy because I don't have a job yet.  He continues to tell me how pathetic that is, that anyone else would have had a job by now.  I try to defend myself by reminding him that I'm basically his housekeeper, and he counters with, "that's the least you could do since I pay the rent".  WTF am I supposed to do??  Everyone who I've ever known who just went and got a job because they thought they had to had this "job" thing eat their life and their drive to want anything more from or for themselves. And please don't think that I've not been looking for work, infact I have another interview on Monday, that's two out of the 12 jobs I've applied for in a month, I'm doind the best I can.  I'm not certified to be a teacher, or a social worker, or a nurse or a computer programmer, I'm a certified fashion designer, what good am I outside of LA or NYC of even SF??  I'm about as useless as Matt makes me feel.

The "job" thing is even true of Matt himself, he wonders why he didn't get into JET, it's because he's too old!!  They want people who didn't dink around after high school working at a stupid arcade because they thought they should have a job, they want people who went to school and graduated before they were 25.  The JET program and Japanese society in general is very discriminatory.  All that is terrible and I wish I didn't think it, but I hate that I'm here in Shitsville, USA waiting for him to start a career when I could have left him in 2008 and started mine already.  He's never going to marry me.  I'm still here because I'm too afraid to be on my own, too afraid that I'll never be loved again because I'm too old and fat now, but mostly too afraid to fail at my own precious dreams.  I am useless and pathetic, Matt's always right.

 

***EDIT***

Okay so he came and appologized and told me he lashed out because of his own securities about the future of his career.  He told me he just wants what's best for me, and that he understands that we don't see eye to eye on what that is exactly.  He told me how happy he was to see me crafting and making stuff again.  I hate it when we fight!!!  it's the worst feeling in the world!!  ugh!!