Fabricated

Current Obsession: Ethnic Textiles and Ancient Methods of Weaving

Fiber and textiles have always been of interest to me but this specific area has just been creeping up on me from all corners. My weekly trips to the Flea Market with my new beau have brought textiles from Oaxaca and Peru right into my hands.  The bright colors, the rawness of the fibers and the indigenous patterns, I'm smitten for sure... The picture on the left shows Mixtec woven skirts from Oaxaca.

I'm not alone in this new obsession, my craft mentor Mama Hughes just got back from a trip to a Navajo reservation in Arizona where she learned their method of looming and weaving.  Thus began a pin board  of 120 year old Navajo Textiles (Follow me on Pinterest if you don't already!). The picture on the right is an example of Navajo weaving from the 1890's.

Then Mama Hughes shows me tablet weaving, and I was almost instantly hooked.  It looks easy enough and kind of reminds me of computer programming so I started making my own set of tablets, also out of playing cards as seen on the left.  The first pattern I want to try is one of the diagonal patterns used by the egyptians as seen here below.

I'm hoping not to lose my nerve on the tablet weaving project.  I have a tendency to get craft paralysis if I think something will be a complete failure, I won't even attempt it.  It's a silly perfectionist thing that I'm trying to break myself of. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

If It Hurts Then You Gotta Put a Name on It!

In a recent argument with my new beau, as we neared our resolution he said something to me that sparked such a positive feeling inside that I had to investigate it further.  He said to me, "I'm not going to break up with you, we have too much potential.".  (I realize this sounds a little crazy out of context but I was deep in a shame spiral, and sometimes my accusations get extreme and thus requiring these kinds of validations. I'm so grateful he gets that!)  I wholeheartedly agree with this statement about our relationship; we've only been dating seriously for 3 months and the amount of connection we have is phenomenal, the potential is huge.  But what struck me was how instantaneously light and optimistic I felt upon hearing that I had potential in something.

A Brief History Lesson:  If you know me or have been following this blog you will know that I got a very expensive education in something I'm very passionate about, fashion and design in general.  As we all know now in our new reality of recession, education doesn't always equal employment.  After being unsuccessful in attaining gainful employment in my field of expertise I moved home and everything went to hell. Until recently.  I believe I am on a path towards emotional recovery. After a lifetime of feeling not good enough, I've begun embracing who I am and the fact that I am worthy.

What I realized was that I forgot what it felt like to have potential.  One of my fears and regrets (that has kept me from moving forward with my career) is that I've been losing potential bit by bit everyday since I graduated.  Which in some ways is true, but I've also been accumulating experiences, hands on training, and sharper perspective as a designer.  Those are things they don't teach in school.

For the last year or so I've really been feeling like life was over, I had lost my partner and my chances at having the career that I really wanted.  I never realized I missed having the feeling of potential in my life until it was put in front of my face via text.  It's been exciting and kind of scary to feel like I can still go back out there and get back the life I want to have for myself.  I'm grateful to have people in my life who have been helping me get back to where I once belonged.

More Than a Year Later...

I would apologize for the hiatus but how much of my original readership actually survived the year-long black out??? *crickets chirp*

Thought so.

Anyhow, I thought I'd take this as an opportunity to just start over.  Everything else in my life had a complete reboot about a year ago, I think it's only appropriate to do that here as well.  I still want to blog about my creative projects but I also want to have a place where I can discuss my struggles and discoveries on this new path in life.  Yes, I still struggle, this much has not changed.  I need a place where I can just talk about it and work through it.  Struggle is a part of my story, and what I'm doing my best to do right now is, own my story and be who I am.  

April 18th: Still wearing black.

Hello dear readers!  As usual I feel I must apologize for my hiatus.  Much has happened and you simply must be apprised of all of it.

 

The Boyfriend Situation:

So I gave him 5 weeks of space.  So the first weekend in April, I needed to go back to get some necessary items and receive some packages so we thought it would be a good opportunity to test the waters.  We had a wonderful time in all senses of the word, it was just like we were back together.  But on sunday when it was time for me to pack up and take off we had to have a talk about where we go from here.  For me it was being able to have the best of what we had in a weekend.  For him it was just a reassurance that he wasn't ready to be more than friends with me.  He said an uneasiness crept over him and he knew that it wasn't right being with me because he didn't feel what he was supposed to feel.  He cognitively understands that he loves me but does not feel that he loves me.  Because he reasons all of his emotions instead of feeling them so that he can avoid feeling things he can't control like pain and rejection. (See, Broken Childhood) 

This is all beyond frustrating and heartbreaking.  Since "The Weekend" I've barely been able to hold myself together.  Everything makes me cry (including cat food commercials), and I can't even bring myself to go and socialize.  I feel like people are avoiding me because I'm such a sad sack.  I even went camping with my parents this last weekend to get away from the phone and internet that I constantly use to make contact with him.  When I do, I pathetically beg him to tell me he loves me still and that he is sorry we can't be together and that he hopes we can be together again in the future.  All of which is true I'm not asking him to lie, I just need to hear it once every 6 hours and grieve the tragedy of it.  I'm such a mess, and I'm acting like he died or something when both of us think there is real possibility that down the road we will be back together.  I'm just having a hard time letting go. 

My Health:

 I bought a scale at a yard sale for $3.00.  It's a nice weight watchers digital scale and I believe it to be accurate.  And what do I do after I verify it's accuracy?  Weigh myself 3 times a day for two weeks; it's absolutely a compulsion.  However I have learned a great deal about my body and how, why and what makes my weight fluctuate.  Which helps make me more rational about the numbers. I no longer think about my weight as a single number but a range of numbers throughout the day.  5 lbs is not something to get excited about.  I also think I need to get more serious about my fiber intake and digestive regularity.

I've been reading this book to help me realize some things about me that I've been in denial  about.  It's called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.  Two pages into the preface and it's like she was talking directly to me about every relationship I've ever had.  Let me know if any of you have read it or have an opinion on it.  I'm only half way through and haven't gotten to the section about recovery yet, I'm just hoping she doesn't say I need Jesus or some other impossible shit. I would be really dissapointed.

Career/Work:

After coming back from, "The Weekend" I decided to go back to the school district even though they really burned me.  I need to make money and getting onto the sub list for clerical/ paraeducator list is the fastest most assured way to do it.  Today was my first day, and I got two calls right away.  Being busy for a big chunk of the day helped me to not think about Matt.

I got an E-mail from a former classmate asking me if I'd be interested in freelancing (in San Francisco) at Levi's where she works. I told her I'd love to and that we should chat about it sunday evening.  We talked for over an hour and a half and in that conversation so many old feelings opened up.  Feeling burned over past failures in trying to work in fashion, realizing maybe I don't want to work in corporate fashion, and really just wanting to get to LA.  So tons of confusion and mixed feelings on that front.

Crafts:

Here is the only thing I've made since I got here, well outside of some simple alterations and repairs.  Hopefully that will change soon.  I want to get working on actually making dresses and bags out of all my vintage sheets I've been collecting.  It's time.

March 15th: Beware the Ides of March

    Sorry I haven't checked in since my surgery!  I hope you weren't too worried.  I have made a full recovery and most everything has begun to get back to normal.  My current weight is 240, still.  I've obviously hit a plateau but I'm going to work through it the best I can.

I'm going through a bit of a personal crisis with my relationship right now.  I finally got the BF to go to counseling and he is trying to work through some really difficult issues concerning his past and relationships in the past that have hurt him making it hard for him to be in relationships now as an adult.  As much as our relationship IS NOT the problem (it's just a catalyst for issues) it's hard for me to really think that this doesn't affect our relationship in some way.  Needless to say he is really emotionally confused right now; he doesn't know how he feels about anything, including me.  So he asked for a break from me because he just can't seem to sort out his feeling while being in a relationship.

So I packed up the essentials and went to stay with my parents for an undetermined amount of time.

I'm really trying to be understanding about this situation and his emotional distress but it's difficult not to feel like I got the raw end of this deal.  I do feel hurt and rejected and I do feel like he doesn't appreciate all the good things I bring into his life and most of all I feel like he doesn't need me and that I'm useless to him. 

The good news (if you want to call it that) is that we are still talking and we both still love each other, he just doesn't know what that means for him and his life right now.

In the interim I am jamming my calendar with people who love and care about me and want me in their life and appreciate my many talents and skills.

Here is a list of projects and things I'm involving myself in to mask the pain:

• Alterations and garment reconstruction on commission.
• Painting and redecorating the guest room I'm staying in at my parent's house.
• Making a skirt from polka-dot lace for myself.
• Trying to keep the house clean and cooking healthy food for my family.
• Several crochet projects.
• Planning a baby shower (which I need help with, I have no idea what I'm doing!
• Volunteering with high school students helping them conceptualize designs and create garments for "Project Goodwill" where they create 3 themed looks from donation items to compete for a scholarship prize for their group. This is basically my specialty, making cool stuff from weird crap!

So yeah, sorry for all the sad sack stuff but that's what's going on.

 

 

 

February 4th: in which I get cut on.

My surgery is in 2 hours. I'm in the prep room wearing nothing but a smile.

January 28th: a picture post

I finshed the first of my quilted pillows.  I want to finish all three before my surgery next friday.  I think I can.

 
 

January 18th: In which some resolution comes to the new year

So the fight continued into the next day, but it consisted of mostly silence and awkward glances.  We finally got back into a dialog and found ourselves at stand still.  Matt is somehow convinced that what I am demanding is marriage, immediately and on the spot.  This of course renders him like a cat on a ceiling, clinging for dear life, not listening to anything I'm saying.  So I clarify my position, that I would never want to force him into marriage, ever.  What I want is for him to want to be in that kind of relationship with me.  I want him to have no issue saying that he wants to be with me and having the trust and security to back it up.  I know he loves me enough, the amount of love isn't the issue.  The issue is not knowing how to be in a relationship. 

So I make my suggestion again for the billionth time, "please go to therapy, while you have time and insurance".  He concedes and promises to get started with someone on campus Tuesday.  He followed through and starts sessions next month.  I too would like to get into something like couples counseling, it's really hard to tell where his issues end and mine begin. 

I went to my surgical consult today and met the doctor who will be doing the procedure.  He seemed nice and thorough and down to earth.  I don't know what to look for in a surgeon really, but he didn't seem deficient in any manner.  So I'm scheduled for Friday, February 4th at 5 am.  I'm totally nervous about the anesthesia.  I'm always afraid I'll either not have enough and be concious yet immobilized or be given to much and suffocate.  At this point I'm just hoping for vallium to calm me down. 

I got some good news while I was there; I lost 6 more pounds!  I'm now down to 240, which is still 80lbs from my goal weight, but for 3 months of dieting and not exercising and being sick and on pain pills, it's not bad.  This is the best diet I've ever been on, when I slip up and eat something I'm not supposed to I'm in excruciating pain untill the pills kick in then I'm knocked out!  I'm laughing now, but it's been pretty rough.

I made this today.  It's a "Log Cabin" quilt block, made from my collection of fine vintage bed linens.  I'm afraid all the florals are too busy and it's more of a "Convoluted Cabin" than that of logs.

kind of a crappy photo, but I'll post more of the process photos tomorrow.

January 15th: like "Waitress" only with crafts.

So we had the marriage fight again today...

What is it that makes me so insecure?  And what makes him so sure true love and life long commitment aren't real and that marriage never works?  Whatever it is, I wish it would die in a fire so I can have a happy partnership to build my life around.  I'm at an age now where I want some foundations, and need my relationship with him to be my main support system.  I might not always be near friends and family, I need to know that when I come home I can rely on him to always be there and supporting me no matter what.  How do I know that's what I can expect if he doesn't get up in front of all our friends and family and vow to do so for the rest of our lives?  For some reason that's what I think I need to feel secure in my relationship.  I know I'm crazy.

Any who, after our discussion turned into uncomfortable silence I retreated to my craft room and he to Azeroth.  I made this, and I'm calling it my "why isn't our love strong enough to change your ideas about marriage" scarf.  Ironically it's made from yarn I found too beautiful to make anything out of for fear that committing to one design would leave me with knitters regret.

 

You guys get to see this one that facebook didn't get to see because my blog readers know me so much better than my FB friends I know you wont judge me for having puffy, cried out eyes or a dirty bathroom mirror.

much love blog friends!

January 14th: In which I try to update

I think I've started this entry 3 times since I got back to Cheney on the 7th. 

Family/Friends:  So I did go home for x-mas, and my family behaved wonderfully and I had a genuinely good time, totally a festivus miracle!  My sister's boyfriend is very nice and good to the kids, not as awkward as I thought with him being there.  I got to spend time with good friends and I got to know some people I never really talked to in high school but who are really cool and tons of fun to hang out with.  I'm talkin' diva style karaoke at the only gay club in town, and they had prizes.  We also played the Michael Jackson Experience game for Wii, INCREDIBLE, it needs to become my work out routine.  They dances you have to do are exactly like the ones from the music videos, so much fun remembering how MJ was the king of pop.  "Do you remember the tiiiiiiiime, when we fell in love?"

Crafting:  The rest of the stuff I made for x-mas either didn't get photographed or didn't photograph very well so I'll leave it up to your imagination.  It was all wonderful and everyone loved it, the end.  And once again I vow to start earlier this year!  Now I'm just trying to get back into making again.  I'm currently obsessed with recycling old sweaters into new cute felted things.

Regarding my health:  I actually stepped on a scale at a friend's house during x-mas break and was shocked to see my progress.  So my official count is -39lbs, which is so much more that I was estimating.  I was going by measurements and clothes that fit.  I'm almost 2 sizes smaller top and bottom.  Pants I'm back into a 20 and tops I'm comfy in a 2x but have new 1x tops that fit snugly.  So I'm pretty much back down to the size I was Junior year of college.  I'm very happy with the loss and feel even more motivated to keep up my diet.

Regarding my health #2: Remember how I was on a waiting list for a pro-bono surgery through a charity organization?  Well i finally got a call yesterday and they are getting me into a surgery consult on tuesday.  From there I'll schedule the procedure and it will all be done for free.  It's a freaking miracle and I am so thankful.  I feel like I need to do something in return, but what and to whom, to the doctor, to the ladies who run the program?  I qualified for the program because I literally can't afford to give anything in return.  Well, hand stamped thank-you notes to both offices for sure.  I guess this is one of those things that I will pay forward in the future, I can't wait till I'm doing well enough to be as generous with other as they have been with me. 

On the Job Front: Still applying to 3 jobs a week just like ESD (Employment Security Department) wants me to.  I rarely find one job a week I'm actually interested in/qualified to do.  However when I got back from vacation I was introduced to an amazing fiber/yarn/spinning/weaving stuff store, by Mama Hughes of course, and was immediately smitten and asked to speak to a manager.  Luckily they were all out til this week so I had time to prepare and rustle up the cajones to insist one them hiring me.  So I went in today to introduce myself and propose that I work there, well, because I'm perfect for it.  To my surprise she said, "well, what do you want to do?" and I said, "anything".  I e-mailed her my resume and a solid cover letter and will call her next week if i don't hear from her first.  I'm ready to offer my first two weeks for free, like a free trial offer just to get in there and let them fall in love with me.  I am pretty wonderful after all.  So here is to me getting my foot in the door and actually working at a place I'd enjoy.

I think that's it for now, comments are appreciated, I miss my vox neighbors we were all so good about getting a good dialog going!